"I can't remember if I took my pill or not this morning," she said.
"Pill?" he asked.
"My anti-depressant," she said. "I take it as soon as I get up. Do you remember hearing my pill bottle rattle?"
"Nope."
"Well, Thanks a lot," she said, dripping sarcasm.
"I was asleep!" he protested. "What happens if you don't take it? Do you get tired?"
"No," she said. "I get emotional."
"Oh," he said. "That could be bad at work."
"Yes, and then sometimes I get a bit pissed off."
"Oh," he said, "not good."
"Then the really weird thoughts come. I start to think about spousicide."
"You wha--?"
"Then there's the God phase," she said, "where I walk around raising my arm like this and pointing at people and yelling I SMITE THEE! I SMITE THEE!"
"Very funny," he sighed.
"What was the point where I still had you?" she giggled.
"Not telling," he said, grinning.

My Oscar Tweets:

4:33 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Neal Patrick Harris I LOVE YOU!

 

4:33 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Dear Right Wingers... yes, the Oscars just opened with a gay joke. Suck it.

 

4:34 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : The Beautiful Antonio Banderas has skinned a badger and put it on his face.

 

4:36 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : District 9. If you haven't seen it. Do it.

 

4:40 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Only in America would a guy be called Woody and not be sniggered at all the time

 

4:41 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : I get the impression George doesn't want to be there

 

4:44 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : OK never mind previous tweet. George Clooney is hamming it up

 

4:43 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Watch the star's faces as their names are called

 

4:45 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Damn! Penelope Cruz is so beautiful

 

4:51 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : YAY! Christophe Waltz!

 

4:53 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : What an eloquent and gracious speech from our 1st winner. Metaphor beautifully expressed and not overworked

 

4:55 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Mmmmmmmmmmm iPad. I think it's time Apple kills Microsoft

 

4:58 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Pissing ourseleves laughing at Doug the Dog. Again

 

5:00 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : UP! I love that movie! As dog parents we laughed till we cried

 

5:01 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Wow. Miley and Amanda. Trash dress and elegance

 

5:04 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Colin Farrell has that dirty boy look. He's a one night guilty pleasure.

 

5:06 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Dear Americans. It's pronounced A-part-hate. And I'm not word playing here. I'm serious. I grew up in it.

 

5:13 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : What are those glasses Robert Downey Junior is wearing?

 

5:16 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Hmmmm. Hurt Locker winning for script. Hope this is the start of a clean sweep

 

5:17 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick .... 80s Flashback!

 

5:18 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Molly Ringwald looks petrified. Xanax, honey.

 

5:24 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : No respect to Jon Hughes, who shaped my teenage years, but the pace needs to pick up

 

5:32 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : So where can we see the short film nominees

 

5:35 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : OK Awkward moment

 

5:35 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Aw. The documentary winners have no idea of Oscar etiquette.

 

5:37 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Ooh! Three piece tux! Finally a man who stands out at the Oscars!

 

5:38 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Ben Stiller dressed as a Navi!!!!! HAHAHA!

 

5:42 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : And Ben Stiller wraps it up beautifully with the tail gag

 

5:57 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : The Gosvernor's awards looks like it's much more fun than the Oscars

 

6:02 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Yeah, way to go to give away the characrter's motivation to those of us who haven't seen Precious yet

 

6:03 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : And why haven't I seen it? Because it's not available on DVD to rent!

 

6:04 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck :   And why didn't I see it in the theatre? Because hell is other people

 

6:10 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Dear Avatar set designer: You forgot that people in pods for hours need catheters

 

6:24 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : FBear at seeing Kristin Stewart: "Mope. Mope. Mope."

 

6:27 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : OK it's time to have Classic Horror DVD night. Starting with Jaws. Then Freddy

6:29 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : I'm starting to worry that Hurt Locker is winning everything less important because the big prize will go to Cameron

 

6:33 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : FBear wants to know what PMDD is

 

6:35 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Sandra Bullock wins Best Dressed for sure

 

6:38 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Bloody hell! How does Demi walk in those shoes?

 

6:42 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Me: I'm glad Carradine went out on the epic Kill Bill. FBear: I think his last movie was Crank 2. Me: That doesn't count.

 

6:43 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Not God, darling. Surgery. RT @Chookooloonks: Dear God, if I'm good, please let me age like Demi Moore.

 

6:46 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : A dance montage? Really? Really?

 

6:47 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Everyone in the Kodak theatre is using this dance bit to go to the loo

 

6:48 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : A poplock dancer for the beautiful, haunting Hurt Locker music? WTF?

 

6:49 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : All the composers of this beautiful music just threw up a little in their mouths

 

6:50 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : This dancing thing is so bad Fluffy Bear has gone to pour himself a second glass of wine

 

7:09 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Did the editing winner just take a dig at Avatar with the focus groups comment. Ooh! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

 

7:06 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : "A Hero to all species" WTF?

 

6:54 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Sooooooo.... which actors have hired models as beard dates?

 

7:12 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : The Sprint CEO does their ads? Like a used car salesman?

 

7:24 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Oh FFS! They just showed everyone the key to Hurt Locker! Hello, people! Not everyone has seen these movies! Quit spoiling!

 

7:27 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : It's suck up time

 

7:28 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Julianne Moore is so so pretty

 

7:29 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Morgan Freeman couldn't get the accent of my country's greatest hero. I will never forgive him.

 

7:31 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Colin Farrell is the most genuine

 

7:32 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Kate Winslet is, as always, elegant, eloquent and accomplished

 

7:42 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : In case you didn't know, Sandra attended the Razzies thus week to collect for All About Steve and took a cart of DVDs to give to audience

 

7:34 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Wrap it up Bridges. We want to see who wins Best Picture

 

7:43 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : The Brits do it best, Baby

 

7:44 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Friend of FBears is at Oscars and he says they all run to the bar in the ad breaks

 

7:45 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : So refreshing to see humility at the Oscars #teamGabby!

 

7:45 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Good gag at the end, Sandra. Humor and tears. Love it

 

7:53 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : More applause for "winner could be an African American" than "a woman"

 

7:59 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : WOOO HOO! I am yelling at the TV. I just gave Cameron the finger

 

8:02 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Bigelow won't let go of those Oscars!

 

8:02 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : Bigelow is tallest person on the stage

 

8:06 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : All nominee's wives should wear no-transfer lipstick

 

8:08 PM Mar 7th via Tweetdeck : AVAfart! Pfffffffffffft!

 

about 14 hours ago via web : Ignoramus that I am, never realized Bigelow directed Point Break - 1 of my favorite movies. If it's been a while since you saw it, rent it

 

about 14 hours ago via web : Behind that AWKWARD moment... Oscar on stage fight explained. http://bit.ly/az7ZVs

 

about 14 hours ago via web : What were your best/worst moments from last night's Oscars? For me Best = Christoph Waltz speech. Worst = dancing bit

 

Dragon: "All right.  Here's the plan.  I'm going to go pay a visit to some cows."

 

Jane: "Some cows?"

  

Dragon: "Mooooo is nature's finest sound.  It starts with an Mmmmmm and it ends with an Ooooo.  Ah, genius."

"Cows are nature's finest snack.  You start with an mmmm and end with an oooo."

They were trying out a new grocery store they'd never been to before.  He was picking out vegetables and, when he looked up to see where she was, she'd disappeared.  

He looked around, and found her in the candy section, standing look up at 5 foot long plastic cylinders filled with brightly colored jelly beans, M&M's and other mysterious things.  Next to her were square plastic vats of various chocolate-nut combinations: double-dipped peanuts, chocolate covered almonds, peanut clusters.

"Do you want something from here?" he asked.

"No," she said.  "Just breathe..."

"Breathe?"

"Yes, take a deep breath, and smell it," she said.

"Ah," he said, sucking air through his nose.

"You see?" she said, smiling.  "This is like an olfactory Disneyland - it's the smell of the happiest place on earth!"

They kept walking and, as always, he turned around and found she'd wandered off.  He found her standing in front of the magazine rack, looking at things like Style and Vogue.  Tina Fey was on the cover of the latter.  She was, as he'd phrase it "the thinking man's crumpet*."

"That's just wrong," he said.

"What is?"

"Tina Fey all glammed up on the cover of Vogue."

"What's wrong about it?  She's a lovely woman.  She looks beautiful."

"She's not supposed to look beautiful!" he said.  "She's supposed to be our geeky girl, the female Clark Kent.  Seeing her like this... it's like seeing your sister naked."

They were standing in front of the fish counter.  He turned to her and pointed the index finger of his right hand diagonally at the ground, sticking his right leg out and shaking his booty every so slightly.

"What are you---" she said, and then she heard it: an instrumental version of Staying Alive was the current in-store muzak track.  She laughed, stepped up to him, hugged him and kissed him softly.

"I love you, you crazy bear" she said.

"Well thank God for that!" he said, and hugged her back.

* British slang for a hot woman.

To read more in the He Said She Said series, click here.

"NO!" she yelled.

"What are you yelling about?" he asked, coming into the kitchen

"What am I yelling about?" she snapped.  "What am I yelling about?  I'll TELL you what I'm yelling about.  

I'm yelling at our puppy who insists on licking the dishwasher every time I open it, even if it is covered in soap.

I'm yelling about the fact that I just scooped two tons of dog shit from the garden and had to wash away half of it with the hose because it was so wet from the rain.

I'm yelling about the fact that I just had to scrape dog shit off my shoe.

I'm yelling about the fact that there were paw prints in the dog shit, which means that we are literally living in shit.

I'm yelling about the fact that it took me half an hour to clear and clean the kitchen and I go into the lounge to sit down, and there are 7 cups, glasses and bowls in there with snotty tissues.

I'm yelling about the fact that I was finally hitting a great fitness routine, proud of myself that I'd gone to two aerobics classes and one yoga class in a week, and I injure my knee, like my body is betraying me.  Like I'm getting old.

I'm yelling about the fact that I took care of the dogs and the house and my job for ten days while you were overseas visiting your family and having exciting meetings for your start up and going to free parties and that, when you finally come home and I think you can help out, you're sick and lying asleep on the couch for a week.

I am yelling about the fact that, in all this, when I try to deal with my stress, you shit on me for having $76 massage, when the real reason we are up shit creek financially is that we are subsidizing your new business.

I'm yelling about the fact that I spent three days in a training course this week in the same room as the CIO, on my very best behavior, energy up and 'on' all the time, only to come back to the office to find a colleague in my team wants to leave because she used to be the star and now she thinks I'm showing her up.  So even in the one place - THE ONE PLACE - that I can be myself, be happy, show my capabilities, I now have to hold back to consider her feeeeeeelings.

I am yelling about the fact that I honestly cannot remember the last time I had any real, unbridled, joyous, cathartic, let-go, free-spirit FUN!

THAT'S WHAT I'M YELLING ABOUT."

He reached out to hold her, but she pushed him away.

There would be no simple resolution today.

To read more in the He Said She Said series, click here.

Note to self

I understand that it had been a long meeting. 

I understand that you really needed to go. 

But, when you sit down in a public restroom, let loose and think to yourself “Aaaaah, that’s so good!”, try not to say it out loud.

To read more in the Note to Self series, click here.

It's a sunny day out there, but the couch is holding me hostage.

I'm watching a lovely little piece of fluff called Wild Child, about a teenager from Miami who goes to a traditional British Girl's Boarding School.

But there are some great lines:

American girl: "Omigod!  These girls think a mani-pedi is a Latin greeting."

 

British schoolgirl: "Someone call Al Gore!  I think the Ice Queen is melting!"

 

British schoolgirl: "Actually, it was Kate's vomit, Mrs Kingsley, I was just lying in it."

 

British boy: "I thought you said you could drive!"

American girl: "I can!"

British boy: "Ever thought of changing gears?"

American girl: "That's the car's job!"

 

To see more in the Couch Potato series, click here.

There is a coffee bar in our cafeteria.  I go there every morning - and again in the afternoons if I am having a bad day - and I always chat with the baristas.  We get on well.

They have a punch card system where you get your 11th drink free.  Sometimes, there is a line and the two baristas are really busy, so I punch my own card.

Yesterday, I went for an afternoon coffee.  There was no one else there, so Will and I chatted as he heated the milk.  Just because I had nothing to do, I punched my card.

He gave me my latte, and moved to the cash register to ring it up.

As he pressed the buttons, he said:

"Do you need your card punched?"

"Oh no, it's OK," I said.  "I already self served my hole."

 

As my tongue reached the "h" of "hole", my brain screamed "STOP!", but my mouth kept going.

To Will's credit, he said nothing, but he pursed his lips.

"I think I could've said that in a better way," I said, blushing.

 

And that's when he lost his composure.

We both giggled as he gave me my change, as I put some change in the tip jar and put my wallet back in my bag.

As I walked away, I wished him a good weekend.

"No problem!" he said.  "Happy Self Serving!"

To see more in the 9 to 5 series, click here.

They were watching the Olympic Men's Figure Skating:

"They did a documentary segment yesterday," she said, "which was pretty amazing.  There's a Japanese female skater who, when she was sixteen, faxed a Russian coach to say she wanted to be coached by her.  She moved from Japan to Russia, gave up her citizenship, just to be coached by this tiny little woman who looks like Mrs Pepperpot."

"Wow," he said.

"Yeah, and then they did a segment about the Chinese.  When the Chinese first competed in pairs skating a few years ago, they were terrible, and the male skater was so embarrassed that he dedicated his life to working as a coach and bringing China to the top of figure skating.  They did an interview with him and he lives away from his family at some kind of government sports center.  He said that he saw his son as a baby and then saw him again when he was a toddler.  He started crying in the interview."

"Hmmm," he said.

"But the Chinese took gold and silver in the pairs skating, so that coach guy achieved what he wanted," she said.

"Wow," he said.

"I know!" she said.  "Isn't it incredible?  These people give up their whole lives for this sport, and it's not like they are David Beckham or Pete Sampras or Anna Kournikova.  There's no sponsorship, no advertising deals."

"Yeah," he said.

"The couple that won gold for the pairs are married, but they live in separate rooms in the sports center dorm and eat in the cafeteria.  You work your whole life for Olympic Gold and you're poor."

"Yes," he said.

"I mean, what do they become, right?  They gave up their school education and probably didn't go to University.  All they can do is become a coach.  After they get the medal, they're still poor."

"Yep," he said.

"And it's not like you can keep going on, like, beyond 35 or whatever.  Your body gives in.  What do they do afterwards?"

"Icescapades."

 

To see more in the He Said She Said series, click here.