There is a coffee bar in our cafeteria.  I go there every morning - and again in the afternoons if I am having a bad day - and I always chat with the baristas.  We get on well.

They have a punch card system where you get your 11th drink free.  Sometimes, there is a line and the two baristas are really busy, so I punch my own card.

Yesterday, I went for an afternoon coffee.  There was no one else there, so Will and I chatted as he heated the milk.  Just because I had nothing to do, I punched my card.

He gave me my latte, and moved to the cash register to ring it up.

As he pressed the buttons, he said:

"Do you need your card punched?"

"Oh no, it's OK," I said.  "I already self served my hole."

 

As my tongue reached the "h" of "hole", my brain screamed "STOP!", but my mouth kept going.

To Will's credit, he said nothing, but he pursed his lips.

"I think I could've said that in a better way," I said, blushing.

 

And that's when he lost his composure.

We both giggled as he gave me my change, as I put some change in the tip jar and put my wallet back in my bag.

As I walked away, I wished him a good weekend.

"No problem!" he said.  "Happy Self Serving!"

To see more in the 9 to 5 series, click here.

I read a post today by my friend Debineezer.

She has been using some kinda voodoo to go into my mind and suck out the kinda things I would say.

I'll let you have the first paragraph here, but you gotta go see the rest yourself.  Just click the post title.

Never pass up an opportunity to ride a good greased goat

"There's a term in the project world called "Goat Rodeo". It speaks to, well, the majority of corporate life in a lot of places. Everyone's running around wanting things yesterday, and they can't have them because they didn't do what they needed to do to make it happen."

 

To read more of my 9 to 5 posts, click here.

Some nice tips from my training session today:

Feedback - I need it in such a way that: 

• I can see my options
• I can understand the cause and effect
• My dignity stays intact.

 

I was sitting in my cube today when I heard one of my team members wish the other a happy birthday.  

My team-mate is a bit of a ham, so he sang one or two lines of the song.

So I waited a few minutes and went over to the birthday boy's cube.

 

"So... it's your big day today?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, a little embarrassed.

"Did Joe just sing you a song?" 

"Yeah, he did," he replied, getting even more embarrassed.

"OK, so that means I can too, right?"

"Uh.. yeah... I guess."

"OK," I said, turning my English accent up to full volume to remind him I'm a ferner, "here's the thing.   I have this song I like to sing people on their birthdays.  It's my own little tradition."

"Uh..." he said, his eyes widening.

"You have to bear with me," I went on, talking louder, making the most of the open-plan cube farm.  "The song is pretty long.  You up for it?"

"Uh... sure..."  He had involuntarily backed up into the corner of his workspace, his back against his desk.

"JUST KIDDING!" I yelled.

 

 All things considered, he took the joke pretty well.

Well, I survived week 1 at my new job!

It's weird to be working again, to be getting up early in the morning, to be blow-drying my hair rather than scraping it into a ratty ponytail or hiding it under a baseball cap.

It's weird to be sorting through my work clothes, my stockings, shoes with heels.

It's weird to go out in the morning with other commuters, cups of coffee in hand, waiting for the bus.  

It's also fucking cold, so I made Fluffy Bear drive me to work more than once!

I have a cube, of course, that's pretty standard - boring.  Not sure how to decorate yet.  I suppose a pic of me and FBear is expected.  I wonder how many pics of the dogs would be cute vs. making me look like a crazy old bat...

Everyone on my team seems really nice - and that's what makes the difference in whether or not you enjoy your job on a day to day basis, right?  I've had time to talk to everyone about what they do, and the pieces are slowly coming together in my haven't-worked-for-6-months, working-in-slow-motion brain to form a clear picture.

I've had headaches towards the end of every day, and I've figured out why.  No, it's not that my brain is too full - although I did think that at first!  I get very dehydrated.  I need to take the time to drink a LOT more water.  

It's the canned air.  Or maybe it's just being over 40, drying out, getting wrinkled and crusty, like an autumn leaf.

On second thought... No - fuck that - it's the canned air.

I was taken on a tour of our buildings, and it was fascinating to see all the different departments.  Marketing have a fun space, of course, with collateral from past years all over the walls.  They even get patterns of color in their carpet! 

Other buildings have much better cafeterias than ours but, seeing as my life is currently ruled by the iPhone calorie counter, maybe taking my own leftovers into the office in a tupperware is for the best.

People in general are very warm and welcoming.  They smile and say hello in the corridors, people stop by when they see my cube is now occupied to introduce themselves, the women chat with you in the restroom.  People seem to be happy.

Freaky.

6:00am - Wake up, decide I hate my alarm with a passion

6:02am - Take dogs out to pee

6:03am - Try to get Puppy Girl to poop

6:04am - Get barked at by an annoyed Puppy Girl

6:09am - Scoop poop, hit head on branch as I stand up

6:10am - Get Puppy Dog's food, herd Puppy Girl away with my right foot, let Puppy Dog eat

6:12am - Get Puppy Girl's food, try to keep her from scratching holes in my PJs as she repeatedly jumps up at me

6:13am - Get Puppy Girl to sit, after 4 attempts, for 0.5 seconds before I let her have her food

6:14am - Stand guard, making sure that the dogs don't eat each others' food

6:15am - Grab bowls off the floor before each dog runs to lick and sniff to see if the other one has left a nanocrumb of food behind

6:16am - Let Puppy Dog back through to the bedroom to go back to sleep

6:17am - Have breakfast and vitamins

6:20am - Spend some time playing with Puppy Girl.  Wake Fluffy Bear up twice when I scream when she bites my hand too hard

6:35am - Put Puppy Girl on the bed with Fluffy Bear, shower

6:50am - Do hair and makeup

7:10am - Have crisis, deciding that the outfit I spent an hour choosing last night is all wrong

7:11am - Panic

7:12am - Panic

7:13am - Panic

7:14am - Panic

7:15am - Go through clothes, again and again, swearing, while trying to stop Puppy Girl from stealing the clean socks

7:30am - Decide on pants and a shirt, and get dressed

7:35am - Pick Puppy Girl up and throw her on Fluffy Bear's head, so that he has to get the hell up

7:40am - Make sure I have everything, try to stop Puppy Girl jumping up on my clothes with muddy paws.  Fail

7:50am - Try to catch Puppy Girl to put her in her crate

7:55am - Finally tempt Puppy Girl close enough with a squeaky toy to catch her

8:00am - Hug Puppy Dog goodbye and leave the house

8:05am - Driven to work by a wonderful Fluffy Bear.  Look worryingly at hill I have to climb to the bus stop tomorrow

8:07am - Try to convince Fluffy Bear to take me home so I can hide under the duvet.  Fail

8:12am - Try to convince Fluffy Bear to drive to the Mexico border.  Fail

8:15am - Arrive at office, decide I need coffee

8:16am - Walk round building, trying to find coffee shop.  Fail

8:20am - Ask some guys smoking outside where a coffee shop is.  They point me to a building which has a Starbucks  

8:21am - Sigh, because I hate Starbucks soy lattes - why the hell do they use Vanilla Soy?  

8:22am - Realize I have no time to get coffee anyway

8:23am - Stomp into my building

8:24am - Stand in elevator, not understanding why it isn't moving

8:25am - Realize that all floors except Reception require pass to be swiped in front of reader before you can push button, and I have been pushing floor 10 instead of Floor 15

8:26am - Realize that I have forgotten my watch and am wearing Fluffy Bear's wedding ring

8:27am - Check in at Reception, get pass, go to my floor

8:30am - Find that there is an espresso bar in the cafeteria.  Ask new boss if I can get coffee

8:35am - First sip of coffee

8:36am - Sigh, for all is well

 

 

6:00 am - Wake up, reluctantly.  

6:01 am - Reassure Fluffy Bear, who woke up with a yell because we haven't had any alarms on for the last 6 months

6:05 am - Let dogs out to pee

6:10 am - Feed dogs, trying to teach crazy puppy not to eat her brother's food

6:20 am - Let dogs out to pee, stand in the cold begging Puppy Girl to poop

6:28 am - Gratefully scoop poop

6:30am - Let Puppy Dog back through to the bedroom to sleep some more.  Try to get Puppy Girl to lie quietly on our bed.  Fail.

6:35am - Let Puppy Girl into the living room to play, whispering Choopelah as I kick a ball across the floor.  Close puppy gate.  Head for the shower

6:40am - Shower while Puppy Girl stands at the puppy gate barking and crying and a grumpy Fluffy Bear yells at her to shut up from the bed... there is a flaw in this process

7:00am - Let Puppy Girl through puppy gate and put her on our bed.  Blowdry hair while she looks at me, confused, tilting her head

7:10am - Pretend to do makeup 

7:15am - Make smoothie for breakfast with Puppy Girl watching my every move, hoping for some food

7:25 am - Give Puppy Girl and Puppy Dog the almost empty yogurt container

7:30am - Pretend to get dressed but, in reality, get right hand chewed off by puppy while I try to wipe yogurt off her face

7:40 am - Stop pretending it's a working day, and hit the couch.

 

Conclusion: I can make it out of the house by 7:45ish to get to the bus to get to work on time, but we have to do something about the Puppy Girl factor.  

Tomorrow will try putting her back on the bed with her dad straight after her breakfast.

Wish us luck.

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is over, the reality of my having a new job is sinking in.

And I'm nervous.

1. I haven't been living on an employee schedule.  Will I be able to get up in the morning and go to bed early enough at night?
2. My butt has been imprinted on the couch for 6 months.  Will I have the energy to get through an 8 hour day?
3. Am I completely out of practice talking that PC, polite way you have to in the corporate world?
4. Have I forgotten how to actually do what I do? 
5. This is a completely different industry for me.  Am I going to sound like an ignorant moron?
6. New team-mates, new customers, new stakeholders... how do I make them all like me?
7. Yes, I have new wellies (rain boots), but am I ready to actually walk to work in the rain?

And yes, I am also excited.  So I'm hanging onto that...

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

This series records CorpSpeak I have overheard or, worse still, actually had someone say to me.

"We decided to hold a bakesale between the vendors."

 

 

 

• A guy who composed music for TV shows


• A guy whose baby had been in major Hollywood movies


• An ex-college football player who had been in a team when they won the national championship


• A woman who spent an evening with a major rock icon at his local pub


• A woman who spoke at the UN


• A guy who was in a metal band in the 80s

Strange the people who end up in the corporate cube farm.

1. What is the ONE work thing I have to achieve today?


2. What is the ONE personal thing I have to achieve today?


3. What is the ONE treat/fun thing I am going to do for myself today?

And that's it.

Nothing else has to be one.

The sign said:

Upbeat personalities, enquire within.

Guess the job's not for me then.

What would my type of sign say?

• Bitter Bitches, enquire within
• Dysfunctional Dyspeptics, enquire within
• Contemptous Cows, enquire within
• Sarcastic Snobs, enquire within
• Cynical Smarty Pants, enquire within
• Overeducated Yuppies, enquire within

I could go on...

Thank. You. For. Calling. Company X.

Please. Tell. Me. Who. You. Would. Like. To. Speak. To.

"Bob Smith."

I. Think. You. Said. One. Of. These. Seven. People.

One. Mike Kawazaki.

Two. Sheila Monroe.

Three. Hiyochi Namura.

Four. Tom Dole.

Five. [Mumble mumble].

Six. Chloe Ellis-Brown.

Seven. Vijay Chopra.

If. The. Person. Was. Not. Listed. Say. None.

"None."

I'm. Sorry. Please. Tell. Me. The. Name. Again.

"Bob Smith."

I. Think. You. Mean. One. Of. These. Fifty. Two. People.

One. Mariana DeVille.

Two. Chuck Bartels.

"None! None! None!"

I'm. Sorry. Let's. Try. That. Again. Please. Te-

"Operator! OPERATOR!"

I. Think. You. Want. The. Operator. Is. That. Right.

"YES!"

Transferring. You. To. The. Operator.

"Hello, this is the Operator, who would you like to speak to?"

"Bob Smith, please."

"And how do you spell 'Smith'?"

And this is when I send Bob an email.

• I can stay in bed a bit longer. After all, this is normally time I'd be in the car anyway


• I am home, I should take the opportunity to have a decent breakfast. Sets you up for the day, you know


• I don't want to become a home worker in my robe and slippers like on Dilbert. I better shower and do my hair


• I should just spend a few minutes quality time playing with my Puppy Dog.


• Hey, I'll just load up the dishwasher and put some clothes in the washing machine - it'll only take five minutes and then they can be washing while I work


• I can't work at this dining room table. Too distracting. I better get rid of all this crap


• I think I'd like a cup of tea


• OMIGOD it's 10:30 and I haven't done any work!!! How the hell did I distract myself this long? Oh well first I.... hey, you know what? I should put this on my blog.

"Crucifixion?.... Yes?.... Line on the left! One cross each...."

My dearest colleague-slash-friend, Bill, also started his day out well and saw things rapidly go downhill, with arsonist emails (people who purposefully create situations that require fire fighting) and his boss changing their core strategy - yet again - on a conference call where he made impossible promises to senior managers. Easy for the boss to promise, not so easy for Bill to do all the work.

So we decided to have a CBS (Coffee Bitch Session) together.

As we got into the elevator I couldn't help but sigh.

I asked Bill: "Do you think those penniless-artist-types are happier than us? I bet they are...."

"Yes" he replied, "but they have to clean their own toilets."

And that is why we do this corporate crap.

Three Letter Acronyms are a big part of the corporate culture where I work.

My colleague and friend - let's call him Bill - and I decided we would come up with our own TLA's to deal with the horror - the horror! the horror! - of corporate life.

SYF - Suburban Yawn Factor. Pronounced "sif" which is fun cos it sounds like a shortened version of syphillis. Refers to those boring people who have to tell boring stories about their suburban life e.g. taking the kids to soccer/baseball/whatever, the agony over choosing a school, the awful third nanny about to be replaced with the fourth.

CBS - Corporate Bullshit.

WPI = Workplace Inappropriate e.g. that hug that lasts too long, that overly personal story, that sexist joke.

RFD = Red Flag Day as in "Don't fuck with me, I'm having an RFD."

WCPM = West Coast Positivity Mafia. These are the people from California and other West coast states who insist on being positive all the time. Key phrases:

• "I don't think we should discuss politics at work" = For God's sake don't make me actually express an opinion
• "Let's agree to disagree" = I think you're a FuckWit
• "Well that's interesting" = That sucks
• "Thank you for making that excellent point" = Shut the fuck up

MSU = Make Shit Up, usually to be found when someone spews statistics in a meeting.

MCTZ = Meeting Cancellation Twilight Zone. This is when you have a full day of meetings and everyone cancels.

DHC = Disturbingly Hot Colleague. Often leads to events which are WPI.

ABA = Another Bloody Acronym

Yesterday I had one of those moments of environmental nanoterrorism when I sat in my car, engine idling, for at least seven minutes outside my house. It was the BBC World Service's fault. I got home and I just had to listen to the end of the Outlook interview with Sir Ken Robinson.

He has a book out about inspiring people to follow their personal passion, called The Element.

I've long ago stopped reading that kind of book, but the interview was fascinating. Sir Ken was struck down with polio as a child, and then his dad became a quadroplegic after an accident at work.

But the really interesting part was when he retold a story he heard at a book signing somewhere in the US. I'm telling it the way I remember it, so don't sue me if I get some details wrong.

A guy came up to Sir Ken to get his book signed and said that, as a child, he'd always wanted to be a firefighter. No doubt thinking this was just a normal childish phase, I guess most people indulged him until he got older. Then he had a high school teacher who told him it was a stupid idea and that he should go to college. The guy became a firefighter and saw his teacher again - when he saved his life, and his wife's life, after they had a car accident.

And here's the punchline, in true, euphemistically-polite American style:

"Well," said the firefighter," I guess he thinks differently now."