I have begun to form profiles of the animals you find at the dog park.

The Nervous Parent

Telltale signs:

• Usually couples - the come together for moral support


• Their baby is on a leash in an off leash dog park


• They are in constant conversation, analyzing every move their puppy makes


• They watch all other dogs carefully, protecting their little one

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, call your dog over and let him sprint up to their puppy to sniff its butt. They'll politely freak out as only middle class White people can


• If you want to be kind, walk up to them slowly, ask them about their puppy, make sure you let it sniff your hand before you touch it and then tell them reassuring stories (aka lies) about how your dog took to the dog park immediately and always comes back when you call him

The Gormless Idiot

Telltale signs:

• Running through dog park, shouting their dog's name

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, yell "I saw him go that way" and point in a random direction. If they are too stupid to know that you have no idea which dog is theirs then they get what they deserve


• If you want to be kind, ask them what their dog looks like and genuinely think about whether you've seen it. And, if you have a three-years-of-drama voice like mine, ask the name and boom it accross the dog park, making your husband die of embarrassment

The Pretty Pretty Princess

Telltale signs:

• Ugg boots or fashion Wellies


• Carrying small dog in an off-leash dog park

Rules of engagement:

• Ignore them

The Dog Club

Telltale signs:

• A pack of the same type of dog gathered in one place, with various proud owners discussing the finer points of the breed


• There are usually at least two people wearing unflattering outdoorsy hats

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, split up with your husband so you are either side of them and one of you has your dog, and then the other calls your dog so he sprints right through their self-satisfied pure-bred pack


• If you want to be kind, you and I are not meant to be friends

The A-type Personality Dog Owner

Telltale signs:

• The latest and greatest (and most expensive) in dog floaty toys/balls/frisbees


• Never lets their dog do their own thing - the dog must be chasing and retrieving some kind of thrown item at all times


• Yells encouragement at dog a lot, military-trainer style

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, position yourself at right angles and throw a ball for your dog accross their path. These types tend to think the entire dog park is their territory and this will really piss them off


• If you want to be kind, and you know your dog is faster than theirs, position yourself next to them, throw your ball at the same time they throw theirs and watch your dog kick their dog's ass. You don't think this is being kind? Oh come on, these types need to learn a lesson!

The annoying family

Telltale signs:

• There are at least 6 of them


• They walk very slowly


• They have a toddler with them who keeps squealing and generally behaving like prey

Rules of engagement:

• Walk in opposite direction, especially if toddler is throwing ball for their dog and your dog is the kind of dog that would sprint up to the toddler and jump at it to get to the ball.... let's move on, shall we?

The David and Goliath

Telltale signs:

• Dog is bigger and heavier than owner


• Owner is hanging onto dog, trying to control it


• Look for: Japanese Akita, Great Dane, Burmese Mountain Dog, Bullmastiff

Rules of engagement:

• Do not help. If these people want to have big dogs, they should eat more.

The Psycho-Dog Owner

Telltale Signs:

• Dog is on a leash, although it is clearly used to dog parks


• Owner grabs leash and pulls dog very, very close whenever another dog comes within 2 metres of them

Rules of engagement:

• Avoid! Clearly their dog is a nut job and is moments away from killing yours

The Connection Seekers

Telltale signs:

• They smile broadly and walk towards you, obviously hoping you'll engage them in conversation


• They'll reach out to touch your dog or call him to them


• They have a dog that looks like yours

Rules of engagement:

• Be nice. They have a dog that looks like yours. Except, of course, it's not quite as cute as yours is

I believe that Hairless Apes who are bad to dogs have it coming. Dogs have made a deal with the Devil (who do you think gave him his Hellhounds?) and have a special part of Hell reserved for them.

Today I saw a message on a list I belong to from a woman whose next door neighbor's dog keeps pooping in her yard.

This completely amazed me.

How can someone allow this to happen?

Being a good Dog-Owner Neighbor is basic good manners.  And it just isn't that hard.

First, to be a good Dog-Owner Neighbor, you need to have a fence.  

When we rented the house we're in, there was no fence.  Fluffy Bear duly enlisted the help of two friends, and off they went to the hardware store.  They bought a roll of green wire fencing, and some poles.  They came home, they opened beer, they got out the toolbox.  There was some discussion, some cutting, some banging, and there you go.  

There was a slight glitch when they didn't fence in front of some hedges and, beers in hand, in the middle of congratulating each other, they noticed Puppy Dog looking at them quizzically from next door's garden.  He'd got out, and he didn't know how to get back in.

Another quick trip to the hardware store, some more cutting and banging, and the whole back yard was secured for about $150.

It's really that simple.

Second, barking.

Puppy Dog never gets beyond the fifth bark before he is cordially, but very firmly, invited to stop, come back into the house and retire to his bed, thank you very much.

Bill, a dear friend of ours, has a slightly more serious problem with Dogette, who has a piercing bark and can hear movement anywhere near her den through the front door.  The postman has been chased down the street, barked and growled at, and the mail he put through the slot repeatedly ripped to shreds.

Bill bought a new mailbox that sits on the outside of the house and bought Dogette a shock collar.  Now I know that there are other ways of training dogs to bark other than a shock collar, but Bill has some restrictions on his time that mean he can't give Dogette a lot of lessons.

The collar doesn't have to be on anymore.  She just doesn't bark loudly - she makes soft growly noises instead.

Being a good Dog-Owner Neighbor isn't hard.

It's about the little things like remembering to take poop bags with you when you walk your dog around the neighborhood.  It's about keeping your dog safe within the confines of your home.  And it's about making sure your dog doesn't disturb the neighbors.

Anyone who can't do these simple things is an Asswipe.

Dear Squeaky Toy Lady

I guess you don't read my blog.  Or, if you do, you missed the post about Dog Park Etiquette.

Because here you are, at the off-leash dog park, with not one, but two dogs with squeaky toys.  

And you have the nerve to stand at the edge of the water and yell "Who's dog is that?  Can I have my toy back, please?" every time my dog or that nice little yellow lab puppy swims faster than your dogs and nabs their toys.

It's not that our dogs are bad.

It's not that we are bad parents who haven't trained our dogs.

It's that our dogs... are dogs.  And you have squeaky toys.

So here's what's going to happen if I ever see you at the dog park again and your dogs have those toys with them.  

1. I am going to wait by the dog park gate until you leave


2. I am going to discretely follow you home so I can see where you live


3. I am going to hire a private investigator to bug your home


4. I am going to wait until you host a party or a BBQ


5. I am going to hire a very young, very pert, very pretty stripper


6. I am going to buy a Princess Leia costume from the scene where she is tied to Jabba the Hut, so that I've even got the geek men covered


7. I am going to gatecrash your party with the stripper

And then we'll see just how well trained you and your friends' husbands are.

How about that, Lady?

A while ago I wrote about Dog Park Personalities.

Dog parks are fascinating places. Especially the Off Leash ones.  The dogs are adorable, but the people are interesting too. Some, however, are more interesting than others.

So here are the rules to ensure you don't piss people off at the dog park.

1. DO scoop your dog's poop

It's the most basic rule, but you'd be surprised how often it gets broken.

There are three parts to poop scoop etiquette:

• Make sure you have bags on you


• Keep an eye on your dog so he doesn't poop behind your back. This is dog walk time, not day dream time, not cell phone time.


• Do the scoop. Even if he pooped somewhere off the beaten track, trust me, other dogs will find it and other humans may step in it. Do the right thing.

If you don't do it, I have to keep an eagle eye on my dog and stop him sniffing your dog's icky poopie and getting bits of it on his nose.  I kiss my dog's face, you know!

2. DO NOT take a squeaky toy to the dog park

Dogs are generally good, and well trained. But don't forget the doggie training formula:

Dog + training = Good dog

Dog + training + distractions = Good luck with that

Taking a squeak toy to the park will be great for your dog, but will also ensure that you get attacked by all the other dogs, who will steal your squeaky toy.

This then means that I have to run after my dog, try to grab the toy out of his mouth, fight his panting, manic, obsessive jaw lock, humiliate myself publicly by yelling at him, finally pry the thing from his teeth, probably get my hand bitten in the process, and give back your fracking stupid squeaky damn toy that you should have left at home!

3. DO NOT whistle at your dog

Yes, your adorable little poochie woochie knows to come when you whistle.  But so does every other dog, you moron!

So there I am, having finally dragged my dog away from the water, thinking we can head back to the car and I'll have time to do the other errands on my list for the day and, the next thing I know, my dog is sprinting towards some twit who's whistling and I have to call him, grab him and get him away from the water all over again.

4. DO think before you throw

So your dog likes chasing balls?  News flash!  So does mine!

Look for an open gap in the crowd, and think about your timing.

Throw a ball for your dog directly in front of mine and - guess what? - he's gonna go for it.  Then I am back to the situation in Rule 2, trying to pry your ball out of his mouth.  Thanks.  I miss having slobber on my hands.  

5. DO Pay attention

As previously mentioned, this is your dog's time, not yours.  This is not a time for a deep discussion with a friend, for a cell phone conversation, for a cigarette break on a bench.  

I've seen people running through the dog park, yelling their dog's name, coming up to strangers and saying things like:

"Have you seen a black dog?"

Uh, yeah.  Many times.  I can see four from where I'm standing.  Keep an eye on your dog, Stupid.

The time I spend chasing and catching your dog, who was wandering around the car park, finding your number on his collar, calling you, trying to describe where I am and waiting for you to come and get him takes away from my time with my dog.  And you didn't even say Thank you.  Bitch.

Off Leash Dog Parks are in short supply, and going there is a special time for us and Puppy Dog.  Don't frack that up.

HA = Hairless Ape

PD = Puppy Dog

•  Running fast - HA 0, PD 1


• Jumping up - HA 0, PD 1


• Pee anywhere - HA 0, PD 1


• Have to wait till I get home to let you out to pee - HA 1, PD 0


• Fart virulence - HA 0, PD 1


• Opposable thumbs - HA 1, PD 0


• Vomiting in public permitted - HA 0, PD 1


• Snore volume - Tie


• Sense of smell - HA 0, PD 1


• Food variety - HA 1, PD 0


• Have to prepare own food - HA 0, PD 1


• All weather fur covering - HA 0, PD 1


• Get to go shopping for clothes and shoes - HA 1, PD 0


• Ecstatic at small things, like going for a walk - HA 0, PD 1


• Stress level - HA 0, PD 1


• Have to attend yearly performance reviews - HA 0, PD 1

The Score?

HA = 4, PD = 11

It is a dog's life!!!