1. Toilets
2. Claw foot tubs
3. Radiators
4. Gas cookers (stovetops) with rings and those tin cup things underneath them
5. Dog crates
6. Bookshelves
7. Free standing bathroom sinks
8. Glass paneled front doors
9. Blenders
10. Roasting (broiling) pans

Ode to my headache

Foul headache, thy villain, from whence comst thou?
 

Comst though from the pillow which my neck badly cock'd?
 

Comst thou from hayfever which my sinus block'd?
 

Comst thou from the workout which my muscles knott'd?

  

Or comst thou from the vino which ere night I quaffed?

 

I care not thy origin, vile pain, foul ache

 

Only that you immediately your leave take.

I am starting to develop a strange kind of respect and awe for the people who send out spam emails about Viagra and Cialis.  To get through our firewalls, they try their very best to come up with subject lines that look normal, but somehow refer to the horizontal mambo.

Here are a few that were caught in by my spam trap today:

• Let passion be strong!
• Plus to your libido
• Make it rock-like n twitching
• Turn on for your horn
• Your sensual doping
• Be her volcano
• Charge your trouser-warrior!
• Take for hot joy
• Make your coupling spicy!
• Always green light for love!  (this is my favorite)
• Become the king of in-out drilling!
• Make her sweaty with ease
• Amorous explosion recipe
• Remind your wang how to hump
• Give your rod perfect condition

Seriously, I'm not making this shit up.

And that's just in one day.

Update on Monday, November 2, 2009 at 8:06PM by Ittybittycrazy

And since this post:

 

 

• Give your rod stand up elixir!
• Pump pant muscle!
• Firm enough to stick in
• Your erotic nights are here to stay!
• Virilying your bulge (kudos to them for making up a word)
• She'll play your ham violin
• Be a king of mating!
• Pump nether muscle
• Realize your fantasy as a sex god

 

 

Last night I read the list to Fluffy Bear and he just nodded, sagely.  As his email address is a common English man's name, he gets way more of these than I do...

So I am at a Depeche Mode concert.

On my left there are two young girls, then a young boy, then a guy who looks older than me.

The young girls are dancing and singing with me, and I am pretty impressed that they know the old DM stuff as well as the new songs - especially considering they weren't born when some of these songs came out.

Eventually I turn to the adorable little blond next to me and, thinking they are a family, point to the older guy and yell over the music:

"Is that your dad?"

She looks at me as if I am insane.

OK, not a family.

I change tack.

"How old are you?" I yell.

"Nineteen!" she shouts back, pointing at herself and her friend.

"Oh wow!" I screech. 

And then I have one of those moments where I say something which, even as it is only half way out of my mouth, I realize is so impossibly, totally stupid.  So lame.  So uncool.  So Whatever-the-fuck-word-kids-use-for-moron-adults-these-days.

"It's so cool that Depeche Mode has young fans!"  I scream, giving them the thumbs up.

And there you have it.

Suddenly I'm the old lady at the concert who was, like, around when, like Depeche Mode was, like, first coming out and why is she, like, even talking to us?

Oy vey.

• You chase your dog around the house blowing raspberries in his face
• You call your husband and leave a voicemail telling him to hurry home while the Horny Window is still open
• You feel it's very important to jump up and down 12 times in the kitchen
• You yell "You're boring!" at the BBC news
• You think someone calling Chicago "The Windy City" on the news is the funniest thing you've ever heard
• You take ten minutes to button up your PJ top

Time to hit the couch and minimize the damage...

I thought about calling these "Blonde Moments" but that would be unfair to blondes, who are not stupid. Think Jodie Foster, Glenn Close, Candace Bergen.

When I went blonde, however, it was stupid. I won't deny that it got me more attention, but it looked utterly awful. I also had an Temporary IQ Lapse they day after Cameron (my dear friend - we shared a house a long time ago in a place far away) dyed my hair.

I got up in the morning and, still half asleep, stumbled through to the bathroom. I grabbed my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, turned the tap on, wet it a little and put the toothbrush in my mouth. And then I almost choked on it.

For the first part of these ablutions, I had been bent over the basin but, as I started to brush my teeth, I stood up and saw my reflection in the mirror. And there it was - orange-blonde hair. I got a major shock.

Not remembering you dyed your hair + choking on a toothbrush = Temporary IQ Lapse.

This was a small blip, however, in a very interesting experience.

Having blonde hair really does get more attention. I don't know if it's because we can see the lighter hair more easily in a crowd or because we associate prettiness, sluttiness with blonde hair - a lesson taught by the media. But I could feel the eyes on me when I went out.

It was weird, and it wasn't me.

I bought a tube of brown hair dye within a week and washed the blonde away.

1. Wrinkles


2. Fat deposits


3. Shoes with heels so high I can't wear them


4. Intolerance for minor, petty things


5. Hair - in my hairbrush and in my shower plughole


6. Blocked follicles that turn into pimples wherever I depillate


7. Split finger nails


8. Athlete's foot bacteria


9. Dog hairs - all over my house


10. Chin hairs


11. Gaudy jewellery I don't like but won't donate to charity


12. Pretty blouses that are too small which I will "thin into in six months"


13. Hemarroids


14. Jeans which are too small which I will "thin into in six months"


15. A bikini I bought in a flash of insanity which I will never, ever wear


16. Odd socks


17. Certificates of this and that, including my First Communion


18. The entire works of Charles Dickens, in a box in storage in the UK, unread


19. Men who wanted to f#$k me but not have me as a girlfriend


20. Insecurities


21. Therapists


22. Antidepressants


23. Vitamins, supplements, powders


24. Massage therapists


25. Little samples of cosmetics/facial products which I never use


26. Out of date sunscreen sprays and creams


27. Old medecines which I can't remember what they were prescribed for


28. Scarves and pashminas


29. Lingerie I never wear


30. Adult pleasure toys I never use

I need that woman on British Telly to come and help me clean out my house. But I am not sure I'd want my lingerie and other unmentionables strewn on my front lawn. And what would the Red Cross do with my d$$$os?

1. So.... tell us about which friends you lost when you came out...


2. Has he shown you his collection of plaid shirts yet?


3. Are you going with him on his annual pilgrimage to Palmyra?


4. His ex told me it was a little difficult at first because of - you know - the banana shape of it, but he said all you have to do is wriggle around a little, and you can get him in eventually...


5. [Sigh loudly] We used to have such nice dinners with his wife and kids back when he was married...


6. I was so relieved when he finally accepted his sexuality. I have no idea why he still goes back to that church who tried to (air quotes) "cure" him...


7. Of course, if you start to stay overnight at his house a lot, he's going to make you get your own Snuggie


8. How did his dog react when she first met you? [No matter what the reply is, say the following...] Oh dear, that is not good. The last one she did that to only lasted 7 weeks...


9. He's told you about his oral rule, right? No? It's very simple... he calls it The Cather Rule. Happy to receive, not his job to give...


10. You know he hasn't changed his house one bit since he moved in six years ago? He hates redecorating!

I know, I know... no cliche left unturned...

1. Has he shown you his stamp collection yet? You know, he really is quite the philatelist!


2. Are we on for karaoke this week? I hear Bert is back - (to her) Bert is this asshole who thinks he's Elvis reincarnated - but he's no match for us. Honey (to him), have you downloaded the karaoke version of "Wind beneathe my wings" from iTunes yet?


3. Have you met the other wives yet?


4. Has he shown you his collection of vintage children's photographic erotica? It's really fascinating!


5. Oh my God! It's true! You do look just like his dead wife!


6. Have you met Ella and Bella yet? I've gotta say, I was freaked out at first but who knew tarantulas and boa constrictors could be so cute!


7. I am soooo happy to meet you. It's so good that he's found someone who actually cares about him without having to be paid in cash at the end of the evening...


8. So.... a little tip. When he takes you to meet his mother... Xanax!


9. Can I just give you a little tip? I love him, dearly, and I'll always be his friend. I want him to be happy and I can see that you two would make a lovely, lovely couple. Just don't, whatever you do, don't lend him money. He'll ask. It's just a matter of time. Don't do it. Don't.


10. Oh my God, I am so excited that he's finally met someone who shares his interests! I really admire you for being so open-minded.... What do I mean? Oh.... um... Hasn't he asked you to go with him to one of his special parties yet?

That's what friends are for...

Sometimes my mind wanders, and I was was thinking today - when is the absolute best and worst time to fart?

The worst:

• When you're sitting on a man's happy stick in the middle of rumpy pumpy
• When you're having a massage
• In a job interview
• In an elevator, unless it's just before you get off
• When you are in a neighboring stall to a colleague you've just said hello to as you walked into the restroom
• During the first dance at your wedding
• In a sauna
• In a long line for the restroom at a concert
• When you're in Downward Facing Dog in a yoga class
• When you are in a one on one meeting with your boss
• At a meeting with your Nutritionist, because you will then have a ten minute conversation about what exactly in your diet is causing flatulence and you will never, ever be allowed to eat pasta ever again

The best:

• When your husband is drunk and gets into bed with that look on his face
• When you are alone in the car
• In a jacuzzi
• In your husband's closet, and then close the door
• When you are walking by yourself with your dog in the park, far away from anyone
• Just after your husband did - he can't complain then, can he?
• When your silly dog is sniffing your butt

I have to stop and open the front door - I swear to God! - Puppy Dog just got inspired and farted.

At 23:49 on the eve of the President's Day federal holiday, some schmuck tried to buy specialist engineering software that costs over $600 with my credit card.

Luckily, the company that provides the software found it strange that someone would order two copies of software that you download, and decided to call me to make sure I'd put my order in right.

Strangely, I don't need software that has something to do with installing or designing or doing something or other with windows. Not the Microsoft kind of windows.... real windows.

My husband, Fluffy Bear, said that they probably trying to test my credit card details and my credit limit ($1200 is pretty damn good test) before heading off to Walmart or Costco or the Big Noisy Truck That Comes With Mag Wheels And Its Own Shotgun company.

I called my bank, of course, but, it being a federal holiday, there wasn't anything they could do till the following day. I am sure it's no coincidence that this happened on a day the banks are closed.

Other than call the bank, what can I do?

The Police can't help me. I reported the incident to IC3, the government online fraud site, as well as to the people that provided the email address that the Fraudulent Bastard used. Those people - a big online email provider, emailed me back today and said that the email address used is often some poor hapless goon who has nothing at all to do with the transaction and that I shouldn't bother them again unless I had a Court Order. Makes sense, if you think about it.

And so I have decided I should curse the Fraudulent Bastard.

I know nothing about voodoo or Wicca, but instinct tells me this will be a lot more effective if you all help me out. So I would be eternally grateful if you would read the curse aloud when you read this blog, so that we can all send the energy of justice through the Universe to bring the Fraudulent Bastard down once and for all.

Here we go:

Fraudulent Bastard who used ittybittycrazy's card! May your hair always frizz, whatever the weather. May your cable go out for no reason at random times. May your food taste of sand from the dryest dessert. May alcohol have no effect on you. May stranger's dogs pee on your leg. May your car break down and your tyres go flat. May your ball hairs curl up and grow inward. May your ears be damned by a high pitched ring. May your teeth go black and your tongue be always dry. May you gain weight and never see your penis again. May you prematurely ejaculate whenever aroused. May your nose hair grow and your ear hair flourish. May your butt fart audibly, with no warning, in public. May your legs buckle under you when you're carrying hot coffee. May your toothbrush be infested with vicious bacteria. May your nose always run and your lips be ever chapped. May your underwear chafe and your shoes pinch your toes. May your bowels stop their work and leave you ever constipated. May your mouth utter spontaneous obscenities when your mother in law is present. May your dog's poop be mushy, and your cat's pee smell rank. May your eyesight grow dim and your hearing grow faint. May your breath smell of death and your earwax be ever visible. May your jokes be inappropriate and your conversation boring. May everything you touch turn to shit.

Last night on Family Guy Peter Griffin broke his neck while doing a Jackass stunt with his buddies. So I got to thinking - what would my Jackass stunt be?

Well, obviously, I wouldn't want to actually injure myself. And I am not interested in being outside in the snow and rain. And I don't want to inconvenience myself in any way so, really, this has to be done in the normal course of my life. At home, no one would see the stunt. So it has to be at work. In front of strangers. So what better than an elevator prank?

So here they are - things I'd love to have the guts to say in the elevator. Some of them need help from a friend. Feel free to add your own in the comments section:

• Oh my God! Who farted?
• [Hold door open when you get in] Hang on, is the meeting on 20? [Press button for 20th floor]. No, hang on, I think she said it was on 23. [Press button for 23rd floor] Oh no, wait! She's coming to my desk! [Get out of elevator and run]
• [Jackass 1] "I can't believe he won't take responsibility for the baby!" [Jackass 2] "Honey, the baby come out of you and it's a different race!"
• [Mutter] I don't think I can take this. I can't take this. I can't. Closed space. ACK! [Start hyperventilating] I'm going to throw up! I'm going to throw up!
• [Sing and dance to I'm coming up] I'm going up! I want the world to know! To my meeting I go! Do-doop! Do-doop! I'm going up! An elevator ride with strangers by my side! Do-doop! Do-doop!
• Do sportscaster commentary on everyone with you in the elevator e.g. "And a man in a blue shirt is getting in. Looks like he could be a contender! Is this the day for him, Bill? Only time will tell!"
• [When it is just you and another person in the elevator]. "OK, dude, this is it. Elevator deathmatch... [put up your fists]... No biting or hitting the crotch area, but kicking, punching, slapping and twisting ears are all ok. Ready? ARE YOU RRRREADY?"

What are the 25 Random Things That I Wish Were About Me:

1. I have 20/20 vision


2. As a teenager, I learned to surf and once, on vacation, I caught an awesome tube in Hawaii


3. I can still do the splits


4. No matter what I eat, I just dont put on weight


5. I wake up full of energy every morning


6. I have a lovely singing voice


7. Hats look great on me


8. For some strange reason, hair just doesn't grow on my legs or in my armpits


9. I can speak 7 languages fluently


10. I read the whole of Flaubert's oeuvre - and I got it


11. I love going to the gym


12. I have visited every country in Europe


13. I don't know why women complain - wearing stiletto heels doesn't phase me


14. I love other people's children


15. I went to dog training religiously and my puppy does whatever I say


16. I had to choose between three different guys who all asked me to Prom


17. When my mom died, I handled it well


18. I can empty my mind easily and find a quiet place to rest


19. My ass looks good in anything


20. My Trust Fund pays out this year


21. I speed read a book a week


22. I get up and do half an hour's yoga every day at 6am


23. I can "speak" Sign Language


24. I love the smell of my husband's feet


25. I'm a very patient driver

Yeah, right.

The Chiropractor had me on my back, folding my arms over my chest. He made me lift up my torso so he could get his right hand around to make a fist against my spine. He found the sore spot (he always does) then he kinda hugged me and pushed all his weight down on me to crack my spine.

And I farted.

And it wasn't one of those silent, breathy ones like Kathleen Turner mid-sentence. Nor was it a tiny pop, which might be mistaken for something happening in the next room. It wasn't even a high squeaky one, that you can disguise by then shifting your foot in your shoe and recreating a similar sound.

No.

It was a rat-a-tat Tommy Gun blast, like Al Capone's boys were duking it out with the fuzz.

Yet another betrayal from my body, the eternal Judas.