The Golden Child.

You know the type I'm talking about.

He always looks good - even on dress down Fridays the T-shirt he wears is uberkewl.

He never says the wrong thing. 

You're standing between the cubes, it's Friday afternoon, and everyone is laughing at some story or other.  Team member one make a slightly dirty - but very funny - comment, and team member two counters with something just as dirty and just as funny.  The Golden Child opens his mouth and you think - finally! - he's going to say something non-PC.  He takes a breath in... then stops himself.  His self-control never wavers.

If you pass his desk and look down at a presentation he's prepared, you realize that is work is annoyingly, bafflingly, utterly impeccable.  He's managed to fit research, options and ROI onto one sheet - in color. 

"How does he do it?" you ask yourself.

Does he work from home every night?

Does he have better experience or education than I do?

Does he have an abnormally high IQ?

You watch him in meetings, trying to follow his train of thought and how he got to that excellent question, that perfectly phrased feedback.

You have conversations over coffee, asking him advice, telling yourself you can learn from him, he can mentor you, even if he is seven years younger than you are.

You try to find out his secret, his method, his mojo. 

But nothing works.

He just is.

He's a phenomenon, slipping like 4 stroke oil through the coporate machine, fitting in with everyone and everything.

And you hate him.

With a passion.

To read more in the Workplace Personalities series, click here.

The Party Planner

There's one in every office.  

A woman who loves to arrange parties.

Birthdays, Baby Showers, Bridal Showers, Halloween, Christmas.

Hell, she'd celebrate the summer solstice, Chinese New Year, Seder and the International Day of Fart Appreciation if she could.

She is the one who keeps the list of birthdays, who makes sure she downloads the national holiday add-in for Outlook, who keeps a stash of paper plates, plastic table cloths and decorations in the supply closet.

She's always at your desk, asking you to sign a card, pony up for a gift and make time to come to a meeting room where garish helium balloons bob, adorned with whatever words describe the celebration of the day.

But it doesn't stop there.

Oh, no.

She bakes.

No last minute stop at the grocery store for stale cupcakes for this lady.

There's a lemon poppy seed loaf wrapped in foil, cupcakes iced with colored sprinkles on a pink plastic platter or a special Tupperware container that has a base and a domed lid (something you never even know you could buy), prised open to reveal a perfect apple pie.

And then there are the times when special attention is required, like a wedding shower.

These call for flowers from her garden, beautifully arranged in vases, with yellow or pink ribbons tied around them.

Sometimes, you get sick of the Party Planner asking you contribute to yet another gift for someone you hardly know and, let's face it, annoyed the living shit out of you the last time you were in a meeting together.

Sometimes, you sigh as you try, yet again, to think of something witty and amusing - yet still workplace appropriate - to write in another bland greeting card.

Sometimes, you wonder how the Party Planner ever gets any work done.

But then, your birthday comes around and, as you bite into fresh, home-made chocolate bundt cake, you're glad she's on your team.

Key phrase: "We should celebrate!"

Your Strategy:  Let her arrange the damn party.  She enjoys it, and you get to eat cake.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Office Stalker

What is it with the Office Stalker?

He works in a different department, he sits on a different floor, he has a meeting schedule that has no overlap with yours whatsoever.

And yet...

Wherever you go, there he is.

In the elevator.

At the coffee stand.

Worst of all, coming towards you in the corridor.

The first few times you pass each other, it's the normal greeting.  

"Good morning." if it's before noon, and a smile if its after.  

As you start to recognize each other, there's a honeymoon period where the exchange has a sing song quality, and the smiles widen.  The greeting gets more complicated although, as you don't even know each others' names, you tend to say them at the same time, a harmony-free duet:

"Good morning. How are you? Fine, thanks."

Then, without warning, it starts to get a bit old.

Frankly, you're sick of seeing each other.

The smiles get thin, and the "Good morning" slowly deteriorates: first "Mornin'", then "Ng" and, finally, a whispered grunt.

Finally, the eye avoidance starts.  You recognize his gait from 20 feet away and start walking faster, thinking busy thoughts, starting at your notepad or fixing your gaze to the floor.

You used to think he was kinda cute... now you're not sure if you didn't catch a whiff of BO as he sidled past.

Why is this guy always where you are?

Why does he get coffee when you do?

Why - for God's sake! - WHY does he go to the bathroom when you have to?

It's just not right.

And so you start to change your routine.  You wait an extra half hour in the morning before buying your latte, you start using the stairs, you walk the long way round to meeting room 6B.

And it works!  You don't see him for three whole weeks!

And then, just when you let your guard down, you get into the elevator to go up 13 floors and there he is.

Shit!

Key phrases:  "Ng."

Your strategy:  Keep changing your routine.  Or change jobs.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Mother Hen

Mother Hen takes on the role unbidden.  Nobody needs her to play mom, nobody asked her to play mom, but she does and, in spite of ourselves, sometimes we enjoy it.

Mother Hen makes sure the team has a birthday calendar and that there's a card that goes round for everyone to sign.  She stands over you, clucking, as you desperately try to think of something interesting to write that isn't un-PC.  After all, you don't want to be that guy who just puts an illegible signature on the card...

Mother Hen chastises you for using paper cups and plastic cutlery (flatware) when you could bring in a mug, a knife, a fork and a spoon from home.  This attack comes out of the blue, shocking you because you just went to the kitchen to get some water, and you were filling up the paper cup you've been using for two weeks.  The Mother Hen's indignation shows in the vicious energy of her scrubbing her plate in the sink, and you back away, not daring to argue, retreating to the relative safety of your cube.

Mother Hen can be useful, though.  She's been in the company a looooooong time.  She knows everyone and everything, and there's nothing she likes more than being asked for help.  It's a validation of her knowledge, her position, her authority.

Speaking of authority, don't be fooled by Mother Hen's job title.  She may be below you on the ladder but her length of service is rewarded with money (she probably earns a lot more than you do, even if it's just from share options) and respect.  Let's face it, she knows where the bodies are buried.

But I'm getting off track.  Back to asking Mother Hen for help.

She loves to play the Oracle, and she is always approachable and very nice when you ask for help, no matter how busy she is.  

Oh, fuck, let's just call a spade a spade.

She's never really THAT busy.  Mother Hen has the work-life balance thing down, Baby.

But I'm digressing again.

You can find out ANYTHING from Mother Hen.  But, there's a price to pay.  No matter what you ask - even if it's a yes/no question - you're going to have to sit through a mini history lesson.  Where to look, who to call, what to do - you're not going to find out until you've heard how it used to be, why it changed and a quote from at least one senior executive involved in the change.  It's all part of your education, you see.

Just like with your own mom, there are days when you want to claw Mother Hen's eyes out.

But then she remembers to ask if you are feeling better after that headache you had yesterday, or brings a cookie to your cube, and you love her again.

Cluck.

Cluck. 

Key Phrases: "Well, back in the day when..."  "I'll just give you a little background on that..." "You really should..."

Your Strategy:  There really isn't one.  I mean - come on! - did a "strategy" ever work with your real mother? 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

This is usually a vendor who is working on site, for a reasonable period of time, on a fixed project. They become part of the team - as they should be - and are involved in key meetings, project updates, etc.

But, somewhere along the line, they forget that they are a vendor and, rather than espousing the positive corporate values of "collaboration", "best practice", hell, even "mentoring", they choose to just come out and tell you how to do your job.

These little golden nugget unsolicited advice sessions can often be identified broken down into these phases...

Phase 1 - the Assertive Opener:

The Arsonist

Everyone loves a firefighter. They go above and beyond the call of duty, they do whatever it takes, they jump right in and fix things. They are brave, they are strong, they are heroes.

It's no different in the corporate workplace.

Just like in the real world, the firefighter jumps right in when a system goes down, when a project goes wrong, when a reporting deadline looms.

Just like in the real world, the firefighter works long hours and deals with the burning of long flame emails.

Just like in the real world, not all fires in the corporate world are started through a freak act of nature. Nope. Some fires are started by Arsonists.

And again, just like in the real world, Arsonists can be very hard to identify.

But, after you work with someone for a while, and you just can't understand why they are always telling scary stories about awful things, why they are always working weekends, why they seem to get honorable mentions, awards, when they don't seem to be particularly intelligent, when they don't seem particularly talented and when they don't seem to get anything done for their normal day to day job.

Because here's the thing.

They start the problem. They send the first incendiary email, they are the first to escalate to management, they are the first to talk of impact to revenue, wider consequences, cost overruns.

The Arsonist is, in short, an extremely dangerous individual.

Why do they do it?

Perhaps they like the attention.

Perhaps they find their day to day life boring.

Perhaps they are insecure about actually completing a wider scoped project so just take little opportunities to shine.

Key signs: Constant complaining about impending doom

Your Strategy: Keep as far away as possible. Remember the Arsonist starts the fire so he or she can be the hero Firefighter. Get close, and you'll get burned.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Driveby

How this person keeps their job is a mystery, because they never seem to do any work. Instead, they trap you in your cube with a drive by conversation.

At least in the corridor you can take steps backwards and increase the distance between you until the person takes the hint. With a Driveby, unless you have a meeting to get to, you have nowhere to run.

They come up to your cube, interrupting what you are doing, and start to chat.

Sometimes, the conversation starts with a supposed work question, but don't be fooled. The Driveby is using you to avoid doing their own work, and so will extend your conversation as long as possible, which is easily done if they start to talk about personal things.

The Driveby is a master of association. Whatever short, pithy answer you give to the drivel spewing from their lips, they will think of some association that sparks yet another story.

Key phrases: "Just thought I'd come say hello" "Hey, that reminds me of something. Have I ever told you about the time..."

Your Strategy: Pretend you have a meeting, gather up your laptop and papers and walk away from your cube. The Driveby will follow you, so make sure you go past another cube, say hi to the poor bugger inside it and then Driveby will start talking to them instead of you. Then go hide in an empty meeting room for half an hour. When you come back, avoid walking past the cube where you deposited Driveby, as they'll still be there.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The WIC

WIC = Why I Can't

No matter what you ask this person to do, they will give you a reason why they can't do it.

And it isn't just a concise, legitimate reason.

Nope.

It's a stooooooooory.

You see, the reason why they can't help you, can't execute the task, can't deliver to the deadline is because the organization isn't structured right, we don't have the right resources and the system isn't quite right.

And then they'll tell you how we got to the point where the organization is wrong, the people are wrong, the systems are wrong.

Once upon a time we were going to do X and then Y changed jobs and then Z took away the budget and then...

Meetings with this kind of person are interminable. Getting one agenda item covered is a miracle and will require you to interrupt at least twice.

Key phrase: "Before I answer that, let me just back up a bit..."

Your Strategy: Try to avoid working with this person, managing this person, passing this person in a corridor.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom of the Opera is a mystery, for he or she is simply never there.

When you look over and catch them actually in the office, sitting in their cube, you jump in shock.

Where did they come from?

Do they still work here?

Where in the basement do they hide to actually get any work done?

And yet, the Phantom seems to have some magic power. He or she turns their boss into Christine, completely under their spell. For at no point does their manager know that they are simply never there.

Key phrase: None. They aren't there, remember?

Your Strategy: Find out their goddamn secret.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Triple S

The three S'es stand for Short Sh-t Syndrome.

I know, I know, this isn't anything new. This phenomenon exists all over the world, and isn't restricted to the workplace.

The Short Sh-t is a man of limited stature who overcompensates with excessive aggression.

No matter what you do and how you do it, you're wrong. If you're right, you have to wait until they reiterate your proposal, thereby claiming it as their own bright idea.

Meetings are opportunities for confrontation.

Conversations are peppered with references to possessions that indicate prowess - sports car, boat, plane.

The only place that the SS is humbled is in a crowded elevator.

Key phrases: Bad jokes

Your Strategy: Condescend

Never ever: Pat on the head

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Urban Warrior

The Urban Warrior is a technical and time management genius.

They know how to use the latest handheld and connectivity technology to always appear like they are at their desks. You will never get an email from them that ends with "Sent from my iPhone". They can be on a ski lift and appear to have answered your query from their cube.

They also manage to fit the snowboarding, fishing trips, boating trips, sporting events around the work they have to do, without ever falling behind or getting caught. They take all their vacation days, and then some. They manage to get the business travel assignments to the best locations, and somehow fit in a round of golf.

The Urban Warrior is, as far as I'm concerned, a God.

Example: James Bond

Key phrase: Last week when I was skiing... (only you know they aren't talking about the weekend)

Your Strategy: Emulate

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The 3P
 

3P = Pathalogically Proud Parent.

The cliche is to say that this is always a mother, but I have had male colleagues who are equally boring.

These are the colleagues who insist on regaling you in nauseating detail about every tedious, insignificant exploit their child is engaged in. Sporting achievements, Scouts, Girl Guides, acting debuts, music recitals are all weaved into stories worthy of Olympic athletes.

These are the colleagues who guilt you into buying tasteless Girl Scout cookies, who look askance at you on Halloween if you haven't decorated your cube and put out cheap candy, who simply do not understand why you wouldn't want to hold their new baby, a wet-lipped, snot-nosed, purple-faced, wrinkled and gurgling thing who cannot even hold it's own head up.

These are the colleagues who constantly interrupt you to call you over to their cube to view the latest Flickr photos of their bambino, their genius-child, their prodigy.

There is a strange mathematical phenomenon that surrounds these people. For each 3P you add to a conversation, the volume, detail and length of the sharing is cubed. 3P3. God forbid you are in a meeting with three or more, because you will never get down to business.

Key phrases: "Hey, come look at this!" "You won't believe what little Timmy did!"

Your Strategy: Grin and bear it. Sadly, anything else is non-PC.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

The Curmudgeon

This post is inspired by Debineezer's.

At work, the Curmudgeon is the person who is never happy.

This species has three breeds:

1. The Snarky Sarky
   Generally sarcastic, ironic and witty, this person can be a joy to be around. They cut through the BS, expose what is really going on and manage to couch in all in terms that are simultaneously frightening in that they reveal the truth and yet reassuring in that they are absolutely hilarious. This beast is rare and should be kept close as they allow you to maintain perspective and engage in real belly laughs, something that needs to happen a lot more in the office environment.
   Example: Dr Cox from Scrubs, Sesame Street's Statler and Waldorf
   Your Strategy: Embrace


2. The Vocal Idealist
   This person has a specific view of the work world and is not afraid to point out the difference between where we are and where they think we should be. The realities of budget or resource constraints are as foreign to them as foie gras to a Hillbilly. They complain in meetings, in front of customers, in corridor conversations which start as a whisper and end as a yell because you are desperately trying to escape and you have taken 27 steps backwards during the course of their rant.
   Example: George from Seinfeld
   Your Strategy: Avoid


3. The Anti-Battery
   These people could drain the energy from a nuclear power grid in 30 seconds. They walk around with a little storm cloud over their heads and see a surface for mould rather than a ripe peach, the fat content and calories rather than the piece of birthday cake they're offered and the affect on their workload rather than advancement opportunity of any work task they're given. If you are going on vacation somewhere exotic, they'll warn you about the mosquitoes. If you are pregnant, they'll tell you about the latest Sudden Infant Death Syndrome statistics. If you are finally given budget to take that business trip, they'll regale you with the various details that constitute the horror of flying coach class.
   Example: Droopy Dog
   Your Strategy: Ignore

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.